10 Lamest GI Joe Figures EVER!

Ah, GI Joe. One of the most enduring toys of my childhood. Other lines of toys came and went, but the Joes and Legos stayed interesting through them all. I had a metric shitload of Joes and Joe-related-paraphernalia, and I loved every bit of it. Looking back on it though, some of it was really, really lame. So let’s count it down:

I’m super!
Thanks for asking!

10. Clutch – It’s almost not fair to pick on the 1982 Joes (the first year of the minatures, and the only ones without kung fu grip). Except for Clutch, who looks like GI Joe’s resident NAMBLA member. Seriously, nice beard man. But doesn’t it tickle your boyfriend’s taint? He’s got Goatse written all over him. I know this was before “Don’t ask don’t tell”, but come on, this guy’s flaming (not that there’s anything wrong with that…). If I remember correctly, he drove something. Heh heh, get it? Drove something.

I’ll fix those
misfit toys…

9. Snow Job – So, he’s an arctic warrior. Well that will come in handy when Norway finally gets the balls to attack us. Or we finally decide to annex Canada. He IS the number 1 hope of the 2010 US Biathlon team though. Ok, it’s not his fault that his specialty is really lame (he’s from Vermont…). But the whole Yukon Cornelius look is his fault. That will come in handy though if Cobra Commander’s whole problem is a bad tooth. Was last seen muttering “…the bumble’s one weakness… The bumble sinks…”

I know there’s a quarter
around here somewhere…

8. Tripwire – I hesitate to put him on here because he’s the key figure in GI Joe’s “Finding Lost Jewelry On The Beach” Taskforce. While he’s only the 8th Lamest Joe, he’s definitely the most useless. I mean come on, what’s he looking for? COBRA’s secret underground lair? With a $39 Radio Shack metal detector? No way. He’s looking for the wedding ring his dad “lost” at the beach the summer before mom kicked him out. At least “New Mommy” was hot and didn’t mind when he peeked into the bathroom when she was showering…

I’m too sexy
for my vest

7. Pathfinder – Who knew that Crocodile Dundee was a member of GI Joe? Wait…he wasn’t? So Pathfinder was just a blatant rip-off? Crikey! Pathfinder…It’s Australian for Lame. Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought GI Joe was a Real AMERICAN Hero. Not some freaking Paul Hogan wannabe. And really, who wants to be Paul Hogan anyway? Quick, name a movie he was in, without Crocodile Dundee in the title. I’ll wait. Still waiting. Give up? He played Goat Racer #3 in 1980′s Fatty Finn. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle!

I think Clutch
gave me crabs

6. Skidmark – I swear, that’s actually his name. I’m not making it up. Do you think the other Joes called him “Shitstain”? Seriously, WTF kind of name is Skidmark? Did his mother never tell him to wear clean underwear? Was there some story involving a night of drinking gone horribly wrong? Did he ever try “Oops I Crapped My Pants”? Or was he close enough to Clutch that he had sphincter issues? I demand answers. Surprisingly Shitstain was killed in action (in the comic book at least). Do you think he soiled himself before COBRA got him?

No Pathfinder
THAT’S a knife

5. Spearhead (and Max) – I’m really not sure what kind of battle environment calls for orange camo. Tangerine orchard raids? Jello fights? Paintball? Oh, maybe he’s just coordinating with his PET BOBCAT. He’s going to be one of those guys that decided it’s a good idea to keep a wild cat in his apartment, then the neighbors call the cops when they start smelling something funny. Can anyone explain why he has a pet bobcat? Or why he has a machine gun with a bayonet AND a gigantic knife? Doesn’t that seem redundant. Wait, he’s got a bobcat, a machine gun, and a knife? Maybe we should just move on…

These are my
“hit the town pants”

4. Windmill – “Hey guys, I want to introduce you to our newest member. His name’s Jim. You guys have any ideas for nicknames?”
“How about Windmill?”
“Windmill? That doesn’t make sense. Why?”
“Because he blows.”
So this guy looks like a he failed his audition to be one of MC Hammer’s backup dancers. Gotta love the orange parachute pants with the black sneakers. Look out ladies, Windmill’s on the prowl!

Line Dancing
is SO cool!

3. FastDraw – Poor guy didn’t get his nickname from his skills with a gun. Nope, Scarlett gave him the name after the unfortunate incident that made her switch teams. I don’t want to get too graphic here, but lets just say there wasn’t any warning when Fast Draw’s gun went off, and Scarlett was nearly blinded. Messy, messy stuff. Not what you’d expect from someone listed as a missile specialist. I guess the missile was just a little too ready for launch.

Welcome to
the gun show

2. Mercer – The good news with this guy is that if you hit up-up-down-down-B-A-B-A-Start you got 30 lives. The bad news is he was always kissing his biceps and offering people tickets to the gun show. Sadly the steroids eventually caught up to him. When he got up to a C-cup he was forced to leave the Joes. Which was actually good. It would have been rough if the other guys saw his his shriveled nutsack in the locker room.

Which way to
the Lilith Fair?

1. Scarlett – Yikes. Have you ever seen an uglier action figure? I kind of have to give Hasbro credit for not playing into the whole “bombshell bimbo” stereotype of female action figures. Boy howdy did they go against the stereotype. She looks like the unholy lovechild of Martina Navratilova and Opie Taylor (tell me that sextape wouldn’t sell like hotcakes). Speaking of sextapes, Scarlett successfully sued The Baroness for leaking the video account of their one night of bliss onto the internet (Scarlett claims The Baroness slipped her a ruphie, but I’ve seen the tape, and women don’t purr like that when you slip them a mickey…not that I would know…)

Well, there you have it, the 10 lamest Joes ever. Stay tuned for the 10 Lamest Joe Villans Ever, coming soon.