Mini Movie Review - Transformers

Sitting in the theater waiting for Transformers to start I took a moment to think about my expectations. I tried to put aside my anger at the decision to “update” the robots and to make fundamental changes to their characters. I came to the conclusion that I was going to be angry about those things, no matter how hard I tried to repress those feelings. I was wrong. Way wrong.

I left the theater not feeling the slightest bit angry. Instead I was just bored. And upset at the waste of money. Not my $9.50. No, that really didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that Michael Bay managed to waste $147,000,000 on an absolute pile of steaming dogshit.

Going in I figured at the very least the special effects and action scenes would make the movie entertaining. Wrong. My hat’s off to the folks behind making the robots look real. They did a fantastic job. Unfortunately their work was undermined by terrible direction. Much of the time you can’t tell what you’re looking at on the robots because the “camera” is positioned approximately 2 inches from whatever it’s shooting. Oooh, I think we’re seeing a robot bicep. Cool! And not since Batman’s suit got nipples has there been as bad of a decision in character design as there was when they decided to give Optimus Prime lips. Um. Why does a robot need lips? Oh, to make him more human and to let us connect with him emotionally? Nope. I’m not buying it.

Speaking of connecting with the characters emotionally, let’s get to the reason I was bored. It’s quite simple really: I didn’t care who won. Sam, the main human character, and I guess the protagonist of the “story”, was ineffectual and impossible to root for. The Autobots were turned into internet-quoting charactures of themselves, speaking only in cliches and bad jokes. Of course at least they had that. The Decepticons had nothing. No personality whatsoever. That combined with the “shaky cam extreme close up you can’t tell what’s happening because it’s the heat of battle isn’t this exciting OMG” camera work in the action scenes made me lose interest very quickly. I just wanted someone to win the battle so it would be over. Because when the battle ended we could get to the humor. Oh. Wait.

I really wish I had counted the “jokes” in this movie. I’m guessing there were between 50 and 75. Ranging from talking about a Chihuahua’s “bling” to a robot pissing on a government agent. I almost laughed once. And I’m willing to bet Bernie Mac ad libbed the line I almost laughed at. So the attempts at humor didn’t work so well. Not every action movie needs good action scenes or humor, right? I mean a good soundtrack can carry the movie, can’t it?

The soundtrack to this movie was phenomenal…when I heard it in The Rock, and then again in Armageddon. How can you not be moved when you hear rhythmic pounding of toms combined with horn section crescendos, especially when it’s overlaying a slow motion montage of people getting in helicopters and planes? Well I must have a heart of stone because it just seems old to me.

Speaking of slow motion, let me tell you when slow motion really works for me: when something complicated is happening. Like, for instance, a fight between giant, overly complicated robots. People getting in a plane I can follow. Huge CGI robots with approximately 2.4 million moving parts fighting in a city full of cars with the camera mounted up one of their asses I need a little help with. Thankfully Michael Bay, in his infinite wisdom, decides to flip those around for me. Slow down the guys and planes, speed up the super-complex robots. Super! Ooh, on a similar note, since I can barely follow what’s happening in the battle, why don’t you get the camera right down at street level and put a bunch of cars in the way? That will really help me sort things out. Thanks!

Since this is really degenerating into a rant, let’s go over things, besides the soundtrack, that Michael Bay stole from his previous films:

• There’s no reason to introduce the main heroes or villains in the first 45 minutes. (I call this the “Wait, we’re an hour into Pearl Harbor and we haven’t made it to fucking Hawaii yet?” technique)
• OMG, we’re the government, and this is the scariest thing EVER!!! Luckily, despite the fact that we’ve known this could be a problem for years and we have highly trained people, there’s some random civilian that can step in and save us. (Pretty much the whole plot of Armageddon)
• I know I’m a criminal, but you’re the government, and you need my help, so I’m going to need to wipe my record clean (double points for stealing from The Rock AND Armageddon)
• You’re a hot chick and I have a cool car. Let’s make out (Armageddon, again. Really I was waiting for the animal crackers to come out…)
• Meteors falling to Earth and smashing shit, causing a general panic, even though that’s not the real issue (you guessed it, Armageddon. At least here Bay acknowledges it with a “joke”)

Ok, just one more thing, because it REALLY bothered me throughout the movie. Michael Bay, if I could get one thing through to you, just one, it would be this. I’ll say it slowly so you can understand. The camera doesn’t always have to be moving. It IS possible to have a shot where the camera is still. You can establish that someone is sitting at a table looking at a computer screen without flying in at them. I promise. Your homework before you make your next film is to go watch Tokyo Story.

Rating: (and it only gets that because Megan Fox is as hot as deep-fried shit)