G.I. Joe - The Movie (with Pics)

In yet another shameless attempt to cash in on my childhood Paramount Pictures is making a live-action G.I. Joe movie, creatively titled G.I. Joe. It’s being directed by Stephen Sommers, the mastermind behind The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, The Revenge of The Mummy, and Van Helsing. Wow, that’s a tour de force of shit. Can’t wait to see how he rapes my cherished childhood memories…

The movie is currently filming, and it isn’t due out until August of 2009. While you wait anxiously for the release, here’s a few things we know already:

• Dennis Quaid is playing General Hawk (click for picture)
• Fire-maned hottie Rachel Nichols is Scarlett O’Hara, quite possibly my first crush
• Korean star Byung-hun Lee is Storm Shadow, the badass Cobra ninja
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt is hooded hoodlum Cobra Commander. Yes, the kid from Third Rock From the Sun is playing Cobra Commander.
• The pivotal role of Joe leader Duke will be played by a guy with a gay pr0n name: Channing Tatum
• Ripcord, who just missed our 10 Lamest G.I. Joe Figures Ever list, is in the movie. Maybe Marlon Wayans can make the character cool. Wait? MARLON Wayans? Shit. No chance.
• Snake Eyes is played by Ray Parks, the stunt man who played Darth Maul in the shitburger that was Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. A couple of pictures of Park as everyone’s favorite good guy ninja have come out:
  

I have a scary feeling that when all is said and done, the Michael Bay suckfest that was Transformers may actually be the lesser of two evils. And writing that makes me feel very dirty.

So, my fellow children of the 80s:

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