The Dirty, Dirty Depression (NSFW)

Sometimes it’s tempting to get caught up in the “good old days” phenomenon. You know what I’m talking about. People always think things were better back in the day. Kids were respectful of their elders. TV portrayed “family values”. And music was wholesome, not stooping to profanity or vulgarity. Not so fast my friend…

I present to you Lucille Bogan singing “Shave ’em Dry”, in 1935:


In case you weren’t paying attention, here are the lyrics:

I got nipples on my titties,
big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll
make a dead man come,
Oh daddy, baby won’t you shave ’em dry?

Aside: Now, draw it out!

Want you to grind me baby,
grind me until I cry.

(Roland: Uh, huh.)

Say I fucked all night,
and all the night before baby,
And I feel just like I wanna,
fuck some more,
Oh great God daddy,

(Roland: Say you gonna get it.
You need it.)

Grind me honey and shave me dry,
And when you hear me holler baby,
want you to shave it dry.
I got nipples on my titties,
big as the end of my thumb,
Daddy you say that’s the kind of ’em you want,
and you can make ’em come,
Oh, daddy shave me dry,

(Roland: She ain’t gonna work for it.)

And I’ll give you somethin’ baby,
swear it’ll make you cry.
I’m gon’ turn back my mattress,
and let you oil my springs,
I want you to grind me daddy,
’til the bell do ring,
Oh daddy, want you to shave ’em dry,
Oh great God daddy, if you can’t shave ’em
baby won’t you try?

Now if fuckin’ was the thing,
that would take me to heaven,
I’d be fuckin’ in the studio,
till the clock strike eleven,
Oh daddy, daddy shave ’em dry,

I would fuck you baby,
honey I’d make you cry.
Now your nuts hang down
like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddam ass-hole
stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.

Aside: Ow, shit!

(Roland: Aah, sure enough, shave ’em dry?)

Aside: Ooh! Baby, won’t you shave ’em dry

A big sow gets fat from eatin’ corn,
And a pig gets fat from suckin’,
Reason you see this whore, fat like I am,
Great God, I got fat from fuckin’.

Aside: Eeeeh! Shave ’em dry

(Roland: Aah, shake it, don’t break it)

My back is made of whalebone,
And my cock is made of brass,
And my fuckin’ is made for workin’ men’s two dollars,
Great God, round to kiss my ass.

Aside: Oh! Whoo, daddy, shave ’em dry

Holy shit that’s dirty. 2 Live Crew doesn’t seem quite as edgy anymore, does it? So let this be a reminder to you that, while people may wax nostalgic about how things used to be, there are certain universal truths that will never change:

  • Things were never as good and pure as you remember them to be
  • Things aren’t as bad now as you think they are
  • Singing about fucking, while not quite as fun as actually fucking, is pretty fucking fun