Articles by Blair

Just because I know how folks on the internet can be, I’m going to say SPOILER ALERT right now before I earn the fanboys’ ire.

Captain America may not be the most popular comic book character ever. He’s nowhere near the level of Batman, Superman, or Spider-Man, but he’s still extremely well known. I’m sure most everyone has at least heard of him, and if you haven’t, then get your ass to Wikipedia and learn something. Anway, today in issue #25 of Captain America’s own comic, he was assassinated. That’s right. Captain America is dead. Why? Let me enlighten you.

Marvel Comics, the publisher of Captain America, Spider-Man, and the X-men, has had a line wide crossover event called Civil War going on for the past year. In this event, the Superhuman Registration Act was passed in the U.S. and all superhumans (villains and heroes alike) were to either register with the government and work for SHIELD (global peace keepers) or become fugitives to be hunted down and held in a state of the art prison in another dimension. Iron Man thought the best way to handle the situation was to work with the government to make sure the transition was as peaceful as possible. He honestly believed in the Registration Act and felt that it was the future of being a superhero. Captain America felt it was a gross violation of civil liberties and the right to privacy. The Marvel Universe was divided and “war” broke out amongst the heroes. In the end, Captain America surrendered and was arrested. On the steps of the courthouse where his trial was to take place, a sniper shot Captain America in the shoulder. In the ensuing panic, Captain America’s girlfriend (more or less), while brainwashed, got close and shot Cap repeatedly in the chest. Because of the panic, no one noticed, and Cap was rushed to the hospital where he died.

Steve Rogers has been Captain America since 1941 (more or less, occasionally someone else filled in for him) and now he’s dead. Or at least as dead as a comic book character can get. Remember, Superman has died before. He got better. Just like the death of Superman, this story has been picked up by major news outlets online. This has been even bigger than the public unmasking of Spider-Man last year.

Folks who are even vaguely aware of the goings on in comics know that characters die all the time. What makes this one different? Well, Captain America was an icon. He was the quintessential American soldier (or supersoldier if you will). He fought communists and nazis. Hell, he even punched Hitler in the face! Now he’s dead. And I mean dead dead. Not “mostly dead.” Dead like “his cold dead body was lying on an autopsy table” dead. Killing off characters like Ant-Man(a real comic character, I kid you not) or Black Goliath (also real) don’t mean jack, but killing an American icon has impact. At least it’ll have impact until the inevitable resurrection.

There is hope though for all the sobbing fanboys. Steve Rogers may be dead, but someone will become the new Captain America shortly. Who will it be? Falcon? The Punisher? Bucky? Aunt May? My vote goes to the Weekend At Bernie’s approach and just take Captain America’s corpse around fighting crime.

Ok, not really, but I found a video for the song “Same Old Drag” by Apples in Stereo and the first thing I thought when I saw it was “Wow, it’s like Wayne’s World, only less awesome, and funnier.” Everyone should remember the scene in Wayne’s World with Wayne, Garth, and their buds rockin’ out in their car to “Bohemian Rhapsody.” This video is very much like that, only instead of 80′s rock star wannabes, you have dorky white guys. Also, instead of the classic “Bohemian Rhapsody,” you have the catchy tune by the Apples themselves. Catchy isn’t exactly the best term for this song. Infectious is more like it. Like Ebola. You’ll listen to it until you cough up blood and bleed from your ears. Big thanks go out to Sean for getting this band stuck in my head. I’ll be forwarding my medical bills to you!

Slither was recommended to me by someone who told me “It’s funny as hell. It’s like Tremors, but better! You’ll dig it.” I dug it alright. Not only is it much like Tremors but it also was one of the top ten horror movies of 2006 on Rottentomatoes.com. In fact, it’s #2, right behind the best scary movie since Alien, The Descent. There are scarier movies on the list (*cough* Silent Hill *cough*) but Slither is just downright entertaining!

Time to throw some “plot” at you! Ready? Rock falls from space. Thing shoots out of rock, into hick. Hick turns into squid/slug/ugly alien thing. Makes hick chick pregnant with worms. Worms take over town. Voila! Shake well, add Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Serenity) and presto! Instant horror classic! Ok, not classic, but it’s a hoot. Maybe even a hoot and a half. What makes it so fun is that it knows full well that it’s a B grade horror movie. It’s kind of like Evil Dead, where it’s just over the top enough. I’ve also heard comparisons to the genius that is Shaun of the Dead but Slither isn’t as clever. However, it’s just as hilarious.

Slither, for what it is, has a few recognizable actors in it, and that’s kind of surprising. Nathan Fillion plays the town Sherrif, Gregg Henry (Gilmore Girls) plays the mayor, and Michael Rooker (Mallrats) plays the unfortunate hick who gets all fugly. With a movie like this, names of characters mean next to nothing because there is no characterization. There are just archetypes that we know from hundreds of substandard movies and TV shows. It’s ok though, because who needs character arcs in a B grade horror movie? Fillion is the slightly sarcastic guy who carries a torch for another man’s woman, Henry is the loud, pottymouthed guy, and Rooker is just a hick. A horny hick. See? Who needs names?

What makes this movie so entertaining, and worth your time and/or money to see, are all the hysterical lines thrown in when shit hits the fan. To be honest, until things get weird and people (and pets) start dying, it’s kind of dull. There isn’t even some gratuitous nudity to keep us occupied until the funny starts. But once it starts, boy howdy. Nathan Fillion proves yet again he’s a master of comedic timing and great delivery. Anyone who has seen him on Firefly or Serenity knows that he can be very freakin’ funny. However, if for some reason you have no sense of humor, and just love over-the-top gore, well then this movie works for you as well! There are scenes of worm infested people spitting uberloogies at hapless victims, farm animals being mutilated, beheaded, and eaten, and even some dumb redneck being split in half (slowly, so he has time to blink a couple times in confusion before he has to split). If these reasons still don’t do it for you, then at least see it for Mr. Svenning covered in monster make-up. Think Rooker’s Mr. Svenning character crossed with a squid, have that combo mate with a slug, and that hideous love child will be close to what he looks like in the movie.

Honestly, this movie is worth seeing. Netflix it, download it, rent it, or borrow it. It’s a hoot. If you like awesome B horror movies (like me!) then you should just buy it right now. You won’t be disappointed. Now, if this movie only had Samuel Mutha Fuckin’ Jackson in it…

I have seen the much talked about movie Pan’s Labyrinth and I must say that it was not what I was expecting. It in fact was much, much better. I was aware that the movie was in Spanish, and I had been told that it was spectacular. Hell, it has a 96% rating on Rottintomatoes.com. The highest praise I can give this movie is that it exceeded all expectations to the point where all the hype I’ve heard was nothing compared to actually seeing this film. It is, quite simply, stunning.

I’m familiar with some of Guillermo Del Toro’s other works, namely Blade II and Hellboy. In both it is plain to see that he shows some real talent behind the camera. Blade II was no masterpiece, but it was visually interesting, and overall entertaining. Hellboy was the step up from that, where one can see that movie and know that the director cared for the film and enjoyed making it. Pan’s Labyrinth will come to be THE film associated with Guillermo Del Toro. It is up for several Oscars, including Best Foreign Language Film of the Year, and is the only fantasy movie to have that honor. He has taken his visually appealing style and combined it with a masterful screenplay (also written by Del Toro) and crafted one of the best movies I’ve seen.

The basic plot of the movie is that Ofelia and her mother leave their home to join her mother’s new husbad, a captain in the facist army during World War II. While there she stumbles across a labyrinth, where she meets Pan (descriptive title isn’t it?). Pan tells her she is the long lost daughter of the King of the Underworld (not hell or anything like that). To prove that she is worthy, she must perform three tasks. That’s the basic plot, and it seems pretty simple. There’s much more going on that I don’t want to spoil.

The actors do an amazing job of creating their characters. Even the Captain has more going on in his eyes that shows you he isn’t just a murderer. The standout performance easily goes to young Ivana Baquero, who plays Ofelia. She’s only 12 years old and does a much better job at conveying emotion and creating a believable character than most actors in Hollywood. This is a good thing considering she more or less carries the movie.

While the rest of the movie is terrific, the real highlights of the film are the look and the tone. There is very little happiness in this movie, and the lack of bright colors and dreary setting match perfectly. This also helps to contrast the fantasy set pieces peppered throughout, where things have a bit more color, but not Lord of the Rings bright. However, at times this movie can be as brutal as it is beautiful. There are scenes of intense violence that, while not at Sin City level of being over-the-top, are just as vicious. I may be desensitized to violence, but seeing a man’s cheek sliced open even makes ME cringe. It isn’t excessive though, and is actually used sparingly.

The movie is rated R for “graphic violence and some language.” Graphic violence it has, no question. The language I’ll have to take their word for it seeing as how my Spanish is limited to Hola, Adios, counting, and El Burro. I will also say there is a bit of disturbing imagery along with the violence, particularly in the Pale Man character (played by Doug Jones, who also plays Pan). For those who haven’t seen it, picture an emaciated, pale man with skin hanging off the bone. He has no nose, but two holes in the middle of his head for nostrils, and he has no eyes, nor sockets to keep them. Instead, he puts eyeballs into the palms of his hands and uses those to see. Pretty freaky.

I’m going to steal a well-known rating system for judging this movie and give it four stars (****). I’ll even go one better and say it has the highest recommendation I can give a film. It ranks right up there with the greats, in my opinion. It’s not for everyone, but if you want to see something orignal, emotional, and beautiful, do yourself a favor and see this movie.

I think everyone is pretty much familiar with the “Chuck Norris Facts” floating around the net (Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.). Well, Chuck is in trouble, because here comes Jack Bauer! Time for some Jack Bauer facts!

Top 5 personal favorites:

-Life doesn’t give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

-The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

-When asked what he got on his S.A.T’s, Jack Bauer promptly responded “Blood.”

-Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

and finally…

-It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Did you hear that? I think Chuck Norris just wet himself.

So this might be a couple years old, but what does age have to do with anything on the wonderful interweb? During an awards ceremony for George “I Like Jar Jar” Lucas, Captain James T. Kirk himself, William Shatner, “sings” like only Shatner can to Lucas. He’s even accompanied by a line of dancing Stormtroopers! Now, this is no Rocketman, but it’s pretty damn funny.