Sports

Remember Tim Donaghy? NBA commissioner David Stern sure does. See, he’s the referee who was convicted of accepting large sums of cash from gamblers in return for providing inside information on games he was working. He served 15 months in prison for the conviction, was released, then was sent back for violating his parole. Now, to top it off, he’s written a book detailing his transgressions, and the transgressions of the referees he worked with during his NBA tenure. That’s right, he wasn’t alone.

In his book he explains in detail how referees would conspire to keep games close to keep ratings up, make bets amongst themselves about calling fouls, and even swing the tide of playoff games to force longer series (and therefore keep the sponsors happy). Basically the worst possible things you could allege referees in any sport are doing. The sorts of things that call the league’s competitive credibility into question. The sorts of things that make you wonder what the difference is between pro basketball and pro wrestling. The sorts of things that could bring a league to its knees. And make me very, very happy.
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Yesterday I saw a story on CNN about a Russian circus worker being killed by an ice skating bear. After reading that, a co-worker sent me this video. Apparently she couldn’t find one of an ice skating bear, but no worries, she found monkeys on skates. Doing tricks. In bad winter clothing. If there’s anything funnier than monkeys doing human things, I’ve never seen it:

It’s a sad, sad day. Pro wrestler and all-around 80s celebrity Captain Lou Albano died. If you’re about my age you should remember him from the WWF, the WWF cartoon, or in Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” video. Let’s all raise a toast to the man with rubber bands in his beard.

Do you want to see Shaq swim against Michael Phelps? How about play tennis against Serena Williams? Or take on beach volleyball legends Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh? Of course you do. Shaq is awesome, and he’s got a great sense of humor. And he’s one of the most dominant athletes of the last 20 years. So who wouldn’t want to see him take on the best athletes in other sports?

Well you’re about to get your chance. This fall ABC will air Shaq Vs., a reality show that will put The Big Aristotle outside his comfort zone every week. For each challenge Shaq and his competition will agree on a handicap, and Shaq will have a week to train. Then they’ll pool, court, or field and settle things. There won’t be any prizes though; only bragging rights will be on the line.

Shaq Vs. will premier August 18th, with The Diesel taking on Steelers’ QB Ben NRoethlisberger.

via ESPN

How cool would it be to play Tiger Woods at golf? Probably not that cool, because you don’t stand a chance in hell at winning. But how cool would it be to play Tiger Woods at Tiger Woods Golf? Now we’re talking, since he’s probably a mere mortal at the game.

Jimmy Fallon put this to the test on his show, taking on Tiger on the 11th hole of Bethpage Black (the course Tiger just played for the US Open). Would he be able to show Tiger up at his own game? Or would Tiger prove that he’s a golf master, no matter the medium? Watch and find out:

If you’re not a baseball fan you may not be familiar with the Cubs’ seventh-inning stretch tradition. Before his death in 1998 Harry Caray used to lean out of the television booth and sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. Since he died the team has kept the tradition alive by having celebrity guests sing the song. Most guests do a good job, but a few of them have been epically, gloriously bad. We can add another to the latter category after this week’s performance by Mr. T. Check out the video, complete with T’s Zubaz pants:

“One, two, three strikes YOU out at the old, ball, game”

The boys of South Park could have a field day with this: Figure skater Brian Boitano is coming to Food Network. He’ll be hosting a show called What Would Brian Boitano Make? (a nod to the musical number from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut), where he’ll prepare food for a different event each week. This is just another sign of the descent of Food Network in to crap. If it wasn’t for Good Eats there would be no reason to watch it at all.

Moving on to good television, if you were a fan of The Wire you don’t want to miss this. It’s original scripts for three episodes (including the first and last episodes) and David Simon’s original pitch to HBO for the series. It’s fascinating stuff. The pitch in particular makes you realize just how much of the series was thought out ahead of time, and how many layers there really are to it. And it’s pretty funny that Stringer Bell was originally supposed to be called “Stringy”. Aw hell no.

Bad news Bourne fans: We won’t see a new Bourne movie until 2011. Apparently everything is in place except, you know, the script. No biggie.

So you went 0-16 last season. What do you need to do to improve? Get a new coach? Nah. New players? Nah. Make your logo looks slight more intimidating? Yep, that’ll do it. Even without Matt Millen the Detroit Lions are morons.

Drummer Josh Freese’s unique album packages are working. Read about the guy who bought the $20,000 package and played mini-golf with rock stars. I’m not sure it’s worth $20k, but it’s pretty damn cool.

Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon went back home and performed with his old high school’s jazz ensemble. Check out the videos of him performing his songs as well as some standards. Must have been pretty cool to be one of those high school kids.

Finally, this is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. It’s the TV edit of the famous line from Snakes on a Plane:

Love him or hate him, you have to give the guy props. John Madden is a Hall of Fame NFL coach. He’s an award-winning broadcaster. And he’s built the biggest video game franchise on the planed. Today, after 30 years on the job, he retired from broadcasting.

Madden takes a lot of flack for his broadcasting style, and a lot of people don’t like him, but I’ve always liked the guy. Sure, he often says things that are painfully obvious. And things that don’t quite make sense. And sure, he’s got favorite players that he treats differently (I’m looking at you Mr. Favre). So on paper I should hate the guy. But I don’t. And I’m not completely sure why. It could be because I can’t remember football without him. And because of the hundreds of hours of his games I’ve played, the majority with him spouting the same 20 phrases, over and over. So I’m actually a little sad to see the guy go.

Or I was until I heard who’s replacing him as Al Michaels’ partner on Sunday Night Footbal: Cris Collinsworth. For my money Collinsworth is the best color commenter in the business. And pairing him with Michaels makes something of a Dream Team. So rock on NBC!

Fresh off his masterful portrayal of Rorschach in Watchmen, Jackie Earle Haley is going to be Freddy Kruger. Haley seems like a good pick, though as a child of the 80’s (whose father made some questionable choices about proper movie choices for his young son), Robert Englund will always be Freddy for me.

From the “Someone’s coming to their senses” file: The remake of The Karate Kid isn’t a remake anymore. The Jackie Chan/Will Smith’s kid movie will be called The Kung Fu Kid instead, and will just borrow some things from The Karate Kid. So instead of being an embarrassing and heretical remake, it’s just a ridiculous and pointless knock-off. I guess that’s a step up…

How bad are the Pittsburgh Pirates? They lost to a community college team in an exhibition game. Ouch. That’s just bad.

Radiohead is doing something cool again (of course it’s something that doesn’t involve their music). They’re testifying against the RIAA in a case against an alleged file sharer. Just like when they tried out the “pay what you want” marketing for their last album, the band seems to be ahead of the curve again. Now if only their music didn’t suck…

There’s a new twist in the late night shakeup. You may know that Conan is taking over Leno’s 11:30 timeslot, and that NBC is giving Leno a 10pm nightly show. The twist is that some of the network’s affiliates aren’t happy about it. Boston’s WHDH has announced that it won’t air Leno’s new show. NBC isn’t very happy about this and it threatening to kick WHDH out of its club. I can’t say I blame WHDH. I know I won’t be watching the spectacularly unfunny Leno.

Iron Man 2 is getting ready to start filming, and Robert Downey, Jr. let it slip that Tony Stark won’t be an alcoholic yet. The story will revolve around Stark’s adjustment to becoming a super hero, and they’ll leave the heavier stuff for a later movie.

My last post about random stuff seemed to work out pretty well, so let’s give it another shot. It’s been an odd week, so there’s lots of strange stuff to go over.

Behold the Mega Double Stuf Oreo. This, and more tastiness signs of the culinary apocalypse at This is Why You’re Fat, including a Corn Dog Pizza, a 60lb Rice Krispy treat, and a seven pound breakfast burrito. Most of the stuff on the site looks disgusting, but I’m ashamed to admit there are a couple of tasty-looking treats.

Watch out Titanic! The Dark Knight officially broke the $1 billion mark. I don’t know if that completely makes up for not being nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, but I’m sure the folks at Warner Bros won’t complain.

Mario finally accomplished what Shredder never could. Bebop and Rocksteady couldn’t be reached for comment.

Shaq uses Twitter. A lot. To connect with fans. In a diner. Shaq is a huge dork cool.

Apples in Stereo frontman Robert Schneider’s getting a kids show. Schneider’s cartoon alter-ego Robbert Bobbert is coming to TV via the folks behind the incredibly trippy Yo Gabba Gabba. Bobbert’s also got a whole CD of kids music coming out.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton are WINNERS!. Well, kind of. They each “won” three awards at last night’s Razzies, the anti-Oscars. Myers’ three awards, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Picture, were all tied to his participation in The Love Guru. Hilton snagged three awards for two different movies, The Hottie and the Nottie and Repo! The Genetic Opera. Congratulations to both!

What’s the next step in the evolution of Lolcats? In Soviet Russia Lolcats use better grammar

Uber-douche Michael Bay is finally getting an Oscar. Not!

And finally, CHEWBACCA AND GEORGE FORMAN LIVE IN THIS GUY’S CABINET!

Saturday Night Live’s Seth Myers tackled the whole Michael Phelps smoking a bong scandal on his “Really!?!” segment yesterday. And he hit the nail right on the head. Bravo Seth, bravo.

It’s an iconic image in the baseball card world, and one of the most well-known cards outside it. It’s quite possibly the only area where Bill Ripken’s fame actually outshines his brother Cal’s. And until recently the story behind it was something of a mystery. Well, almost 20 years after he made “Fuck Face” a household term among teenage boys, Billy Ripken reveals how that phrase got on his 1989 Fleer baseball card.

Turns out it was a simple mistake. Ripken got a shipment of bats from Louisville Slugger that he wasn’t happy with. Rather than waste the whole batch he decided to use one of them for batting practice. To tell it apart from his game bats he wrote “Fuck Face” on it. Then one fateful day in Fenway Park, during batting practice, Fleer’s photographer asked to take his picture. Not thinking twice about it he grabbed his bat and posed. Amazingly the photographer didn’t see the writing. Neither did whoever developed the photo. Nor did anyone at Fleer, or the printing plant. So the card made its way into normal packs of 89 Fleer cards.

Once they hit store the shit hit the fan. What should have been an eminently forgettable card instead became hot commodity and a lighting rod of criticism. Instead of just admitting it was a mistake Ripken blamed his teammates. He told the Baltimore Sun’s Tim Kurkjian (now one of ESPN’s top baseball reporters) “It appears I was targeted (by teammates). I know I’m kind of a jerk at times. I know I’m a little off. But this is going too far.” That’s pretty low if you ask me.

But Ripken’s admitting to the mistake know, which is commendable. And he’s apparently got a sense of humor about the whole thing. He got copies of the cards from Fleer, signed them, and gave them out to his groomsmen.

Well, it’s not Aerosmith with ‘N Sync, but I guess it’s not too bad: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will play the halftime show of Super Bowl XLIII. Bruce joins Tom Petty (2008), Prince (2007), The Rolling Stones (2006), and Paul McCartney (2005) in the procession of “Male Performers Who are Old Enough to Know How to Keep Their Clothes On”, after Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” in 2004.

All kidding aside, Bruce kicks ass, so this is a good thing. Time for a poll:

[poll id="11"]

Actor, race car driver, and food pioneer Paul Newman died Friday at his home in Connecticut. He was 83. Newman starred in such classic movies as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid, and The Hustler, but it was his role as Luke Jackson in Cool Hand Luke that cemented his legacy for me. Newman’s Luke is a pop culture icon, standing as the acme of stoicism, the ne plus ultra of manhood, and the epitome of cool.

Here he is singing “Plastic Jesus” in Cool Hand Luke, after learning of his mother’s death:

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Just like Ron Burgandy in Anchorman, Charles Barkley will read anything you put on a teleprompter.  His co-host knows this, and hilarity ensues:

That’s tuuurrible.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

Bryant Gumbel, the worst football play-by-play announcer EVER has been fired by NFL Network.

What made him so bad?  Watch this:

Notice how he screwed up the sponser of the postgame show AND he called Tony Romo “Rick”.  Adios Bryant.  You won’t be missed.

Evel Knievel, the only daredevil to transcend sideshow spectacle and penetrate the national consciousness, has died at age 69. Probably best know for his spectacular successes and failure on Wide World of Sports, Knievel never failed to entertain. Check out some of his best and worst performances:

I’m so happy this is WVU…

Former San Francisco 49ers coach Bill Walsh died of Leukemia today at age 75. In addition to leading the 49ers to three Super Bowl victories in the 90s Walsh is arguably the most influential modern football coach. He is credited with popularizing the West Coast offense and many of his assistant coaches have gone on to be head coaches in their own right. (click on the chart below for details).

Walsh will be missed, but his legacy will be felt in the NFL for decades to come.

ESPN has more details here.

Is Mark Cuban, the multi-bazillionaire owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, HDnET, and Landmark Theaters going to buy my beloved Chicago Cubs? Apparently he submitted paperwork to MLB to throw his name (and considerable bankroll) into the ring. How would I feel about the always outspoken Cuban owning the Cubs? After all, he’s rankled other NBA owners and commissioner David Stern. So how would I feel?

In a word? Fantastic. Cuban has proven two things while he’s owned the Mavericks: he’s committed to fielding a championship caliber team every year and he’ll do so while providing maximum entertainment to his fans. Who wouldn’t love your favorite team being run by someone like that?

Alas, Cuban’s not the only bidder. ESPN.com runs down the other potential suitors.

Mississippi Braves manager Phillip Wellman had the greatest tantrum in the history of baseball today. He was able to get in several tried and true tantrum tricks (like kicking dirt on home plate, getting in the umpire’s face, and taking bases) AND work in a couple of new moves (I won’t spoil it too much for you, but let’s just say if this whole baseball thing doesn’t work out he can be an extra in war movies…)

Check out the full tantrum with commentary at ESPN or without commentary at YouTube.

UPDATE: Here’s the YouTube version

Ricky Williams, formerly of the University of Texas, the New Orleans Saints, the Miami Dolphins, and the Toronto Argonauts, has apparently failed another drug test by testing positive for marijuana. I say another, because this test came as he as about to be re-instated to the NFL after serving a one-year suspension from the league for testing positive to marijuana. Which followed a prior suspension for testing positive for marijuana. Oh, and let’s not forget that he spent time traveling the world trying to find himself, and apparently smoking a lot of marijuana. Look dude, if you want to smoke pot, that’s fine. Go somewhere and smoke pot. But don’t try to get back into the NFL if you’re going to keep smoking. Hint: they’re going to keep testing you. Dumbass.

NCAA Tourney time is here, but you’ve obviously taken a break from checking your brackets and immersing yourself in the two-day orgy of sport that is the opening round. So here’s a topical diversion for you: Drivl’s list of the 25 Worst Mascots in College Basketball. I have to say, the folks at Drivl are my new heroes because of this scathing criticism of Miami’s Sebastian the Ibis:

Dude, that’s a duck…with what appear to be either eyelashes or Eugene Levy eyebrows. It’s wearing a sailor hat and giant cartoon shoes, for crying out loud. You just can’t make a duck look bad-ass. Need proof?

Bravo Drivl. Bravo.

In a related note, here’s Slate’s list of their most Hated Teams in the Tournament (Dook sucks).

Check out this footage from a new Buick commercial where Tiger Woods tackles a guy trying to steal his clubs on the driving range. No stunt men. Tiger kicks ass!

NewTeeVee has scoured YouTube and found a few old NFL rap videos. I can’t even imagine the media firestorm if a team tried to do this today. But watching these really takes me back to my childhood.

Watch the videos at NewTeeVee

Mike Tyson, once the Baddest Man on the Planet, and former star of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, was arrested again last night and charged with DUI and cocaine possession.

Apparently he was stopped because he almost hit a police car leaving a club. I’ll tell you, that cop’s got balls. This is certainly not the first time Tyson has been in trouble though. He served three years in prison in the early 90s for raping Desiree Washington. In 1999 he was imprisoned for 9 monthsfor assaulting two people after a car accident. And, of course, he bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear.


For those of you who prefer to remember Iron Mike as the bad ass in the ring, here’s a little YouTube goodness:

Have you ever found yourself sitting at your computer one day thinking “I wonder what the Indiana State Sycamore’s football helmet looked like in 1987?” or better yet “When did UVA switch from white helmets to blue helmets? Well if you ever have then have I got the site for you. I was introduced to “The Helmet Project” a few years ago and have been constantly amazed at the level of detail this site has. The author of this site has documented the football helmet histories of every pro and college team in the United States since 1960. Have a burning desire to know when the Green Bay Packers switched from grey to green facemasks? Are you constantly perplexed by the myriad of helmet changes that the Oregon Ducks (and Nike) force on us? Well they’re all here. Enjoy! As a college football fan I love this site!

That’s gotta hurt! RankySpanky has a great post with their favorite SI photos of the year. Check it out. Some of them are amazing!

They’ve always said everything is bigger and better in Texas and for once they’re right. The Dallas Cowboys unveiled the design of their new stadium in Irving, TX last week with great fanfare and a pretty awesome website. Designed by HSK Architects the new stadium in Arlington, Texas when completed will be the largest domed structure in the world, will hold +80,000 fans in it’s normal “football” configuration with a capacity of over +100,000 people for other events, and will also have over 200 luxury suites. The dome will also be retractable and when in the open configuration will mimic the roof opening at Texas Stadium, the current home of the Cowboys.

However the biggest “new” feature is a High Definition Video Board which will be the largest in the world. Coming in at 50 feet tall, 60 yards long (from the 20 to the 20) and weighing over 600 tons it will be the largest suspended video display system ever installed. As Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones said in Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback column:

“Almost no matter where you sit in the stadium you’ll be able to see the color of the players’ eyes. Your brain won’t know what to watch — the action on the field, or the game on the scoreboard.”

I only have two questions:

1) Where can I plug in the Xbox 360? Can you imagine Madden NFL 07 (Xbox 360)‘ or “Call of Duty 3 X360” projected at that size?!?!? Imagine the sound system too!
2) When will Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder start getting a case of the “I wants”… as in “I want a new stadium, bigger than Jerrry’s.”

Is it just me or are Mike Tirico and Bryant Gumbel living case studies for what makes a good play-by-play commentator and a horrible play-by-play commentator? In my opinion Tirico is the best pro-football announcer on TV at the moment. He calls a good fluid game, doesn’t bog you down with stats or crap no one cares about (that’s what Joe Theismann is for!). He was an excellent play-by-play guy for college football but actually calls a better game with the NFL. He also has a great voice for football.

And then there’s Bryant Gumbel… I’m still wondering why the NFL Network chose someone with little to no play-by-play calling experience to head their both. To say that Gumbel and calling a football game go together about as well as oil & water might be an understatement, but the plain simple fact is he’s just lost there in the booth. Thank god he has Chris Collinsworth (one of the best analysts out there) in the booth with him, I could only imagine the train wreck that would occur if someone like Bill Maas (FOX) or John Madden (yes I know, I’m waiting for the lighting bolts) were calling a game with him. But even more than that I think the thing that bugs me the most about Gumbel in the booth is his voice, it’s just not a good voice for calling sports, then again it wasn’t very good in doing the faux news on the Today Show with Jane Pauley back in the day. I’d rather listen to Fran Drescher call a game and she might just have the most annoying whiny, high-pitched voice on the planet…..

But I think the thing that drove it home for me in respects to Gumbel was his performance last Thursday night during the Seahawks-49ers game. I counted at least 4 times where he referred to RB Frank Gore as “Al”. And that was only in the 2nd quarter! Yes I know announcers make mistakes all the time, but still c’mon at least friggin try to get it right! If it were up to me I’d sack Gumbel and let Collinsworth call the games Vin Scully style (solo)….. He could do it.