Top 5 personal favorites:

-Life doesn’t give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

-The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

-When asked what he got on his S.A.T’s, Jack Bauer promptly responded “Blood.”

-Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

and finally…

-It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Did you hear that? I think Chuck Norris just wet himself.

I’m super!
Thanks for asking!

10. Clutch - It’s almost not fair to pick on the 1982 Joes (the first year of the minatures, and the only ones without kung fu grip). Except for Clutch, who looks like GI Joe’s resident NAMBLA member. Seriously, nice beard man. But doesn’t it tickle your boyfriend’s taint? He’s got Goatse written all over him. I know this was before “Don’t ask don’t tell”, but come on, this guy’s flaming (not that there’s anything wrong with that…). If I remember correctly, he drove something. Heh heh, get it? Drove something.

I’ll fix those
misfit toys…

9. Snow Job - So, he’s an arctic warrior. Well that will come in handy when Norway finally gets the balls to attack us. Or we finally decide to annex Canada. He IS the number 1 hope of the 2010 US Biathlon team though. Ok, it’s not his fault that his specialty is really lame (he’s from Vermont…). But the whole Yukon Cornelius look is his fault. That will come in handy though if Cobra Commander’s whole problem is a bad tooth. Was last seen muttering “…the bumble’s one weakness… The bumble sinks…”

I know there’s a quarter
around here somewhere…

8. Tripwire - I hesitate to put him on here because he’s the key figure in GI Joe’s “Finding Lost Jewelry On The Beach” Taskforce. While he’s only the 8th Lamest Joe, he’s definitely the most useless. I mean come on, what’s he looking for? COBRA’s secret underground lair? With a $39 Radio Shack metal detector? No way. He’s looking for the wedding ring his dad “lost” at the beach the summer before mom kicked him out. At least “New Mommy” was hot and didn’t mind when he peeked into the bathroom when she was showering…

I’m too sexy
for my vest

7. Pathfinder - Who knew that Crocodile Dundee was a member of GI Joe? Wait…he wasn’t? So Pathfinder was just a blatant rip-off? Crikey! Pathfinder…It’s Australian for Lame. Maybe I’m mistaken, but I thought GI Joe was a Real AMERICAN Hero. Not some freaking Paul Hogan wannabe. And really, who wants to be Paul Hogan anyway? Quick, name a movie he was in, without Crocodile Dundee in the title. I’ll wait. Still waiting. Give up? He played Goat Racer #3 in 1980’s Fatty Finn. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle!

I think Clutch
gave me crabs

6. Skidmark - I swear, that’s actually his name. I’m not making it up. Do you think the other Joes called him “Shitstain”? Seriously, WTF kind of name is Skidmark? Did his mother never tell him to wear clean underwear? Was there some story involving a night of drinking gone horribly wrong? Did he ever try “Oops I Crapped My Pants”? Or was he close enough to Clutch that he had sphincter issues? I demand answers. Surprisingly Shitstain was killed in action (in the comic book at least). Do you think he soiled himself before COBRA got him?

No Pathfinder
THAT’S a knife

5. Spearhead (and Max) - I’m really not sure what kind of battle environment calls for orange camo. Tangerine orchard raids? Jello fights? Paintball? Oh, maybe he’s just coordinating with his PET BOBCAT. He’s going to be one of those guys that decided it’s a good idea to keep a wild cat in his apartment, then the neighbors call the cops when they start smelling something funny. Can anyone explain why he has a pet bobcat? Or why he has a machine gun with a bayonet AND a gigantic knife? Doesn’t that seem redundant. Wait, he’s got a bobcat, a machine gun, and a knife? Maybe we should just move on…

These are my
“hit the town pants”

4. Windmill - “Hey guys, I want to introduce you to our newest member. His name’s Jim. You guys have any ideas for nicknames?”
“How about Windmill?”
“Windmill? That doesn’t make sense. Why?”
“Because he blows.”
So this guy looks like a he failed his audition to be one of MC Hammer’s backup dancers. Gotta love the orange parachute pants with the black sneakers. Look out ladies, Windmill’s on the prowl!

Line Dancing
is SO cool!

3. FastDraw - Poor guy didn’t get his nickname from his skills with a gun. Nope, Scarlett gave him the name after the unfortunate incident that made her switch teams. I don’t want to get too graphic here, but lets just say there wasn’t any warning when Fast Draw’s gun went off, and Scarlett was nearly blinded. Messy, messy stuff. Not what you’d expect from someone listed as a missile specialist. I guess the missile was just a little too ready for launch.

Welcome to
the gun show

2. Mercer - The good news with this guy is that if you hit up-up-down-down-B-A-B-A-Start you got 30 lives. The bad news is he was always kissing his biceps and offering people tickets to the gun show. Sadly the steroids eventually caught up to him. When he got up to a C-cup he was forced to leave the Joes. Which was actually good. It would have been rough if the other guys saw his his shriveled nutsack in the locker room.

Which way to
the Lilith Fair?

1. Scarlett - Yikes. Have you ever seen an uglier action figure? I kind of have to give Hasbro credit for not playing into the whole “bombshell bimbo” stereotype of female action figures. Boy howdy did they go against the stereotype. She looks like the unholy lovechild of Martina Navratilova and Opie Taylor (tell me that sextape wouldn’t sell like hotcakes). Speaking of sextapes, Scarlett successfully sued The Baroness for leaking the video account of their one night of bliss onto the internet (Scarlett claims The Baroness slipped her a ruphie, but I’ve seen the tape, and women don’t purr like that when you slip them a mickey…not that I would know…)

Well, there you have it, the 10 lamest Joes ever. Stay tuned for the 10 Lamest Joe Villans Ever, coming soon.

5. “Jingle Bell Rock” - Bobby Helms

I always thought this song was done by Bill Haley and the Comets since it sounded so much like “Rock Around the Clock”. In fact it even uses the line “Rock around the clock” in the song. Anyhow to me this is just a classic early Rock Holiday song, with the little lead guitar fills and a great “update” of a holiday classic.

4. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” - Brenda Lee Jingle Bell Rock

Another one of those iconic holiday songs from the era. It’s got all the classic elements, the electric guitar fills with the treble way up, the gospel-ish backing singers (ala Elvis), and the killer sax solo towards the middle. (What is it with sax solos in late 1950’s rock n roll songs by the way?).

3. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - Darlene Love A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector

Only five words are needed to describe why this song is great…. “Phil Spector’s Wall of Sound”.

2. “Little Saint Nick” - The Beach Boys Christmas With the Beach Boys

I’m sure this selection will spark various reactions depending on where you fall on the Beach Boys debate (classic american band or annoying as hell). I myself tend to view them as a great American Rock band w/ flashes of annoyance. But you can’t discredit the brilliance of Brian Wilson and his ability to arrange a song. While “Little Saint Nick” is a classic Beach Boys song in that it’s pretty much about a souped up car err… sled, and it’s got that classic Southern California “sound” it’s got great harmonies and a catchy beat. The only internal arguement I can come up with against the song is that it’s been used in those Coke commericals with polar bears and penguins.

1. “Blue Christmas ” - Elvis Presley Elvis Christmas

My favorite holiday song of all time. It’s classic Elvis, with his distinct phrasing, the gospel-ish backing singers and the great little guitar riff used through out. Besides it’s not a song about happiness, peace and love. It’s about a guy who’s blue cuz’ he’s alone on Christmas. It’s almost like an e-mail or voice-mail someone might send to an ex to make them feel miserable just for spite. It’s the ultimate Christmas “spite” song….. Genius.

Pearl Jam’s “Yellow Ledbetter” may be music’s greatest B-Side. It’s Hendrix-esque intro is a melancholy masterpiece. The lyrics are almost completely impossible to understand, but the feelings behind the lyrics come through loud and clear. Major props to Mike McCready for the intro and the solo.

As amazing as the song is, it’s even more amazing that the song didn’t appear on a “normal” Pearl Jam album. It first showed up on the B-side to “Jeremy”, but was apparently recorded at the same time as Ten. It didn’t appear on a full album until Lost Dogs, and then on their Greatest Hits collection, rearviewmirror (Greatest Hits 1991-2003).

The guitar sound on the intro has pretty much defined the perfect blues tone for me. If anyone knows what the rig is behind it, please drop me a line and let me know.

Song that may take a power drill to get out of my head:
Europe - “Final Countdown” - Fuck them. Fuck them in their pretentious prog-rock asses. And fuck Reggie Bush and Pepsi for putting it in that goddamn commercial. Speaking of commercials…

Song most likely to send me into a homicidal rage:
John Cougar Menstrualcramp - “This is Our Country” - Of course it is John. Who the fuck else would it belong to? I will now NEVER buy a Chevy.

Worst Theme Song:
Pink - Sunday Night Football theme - First of all, nothing gets me more ready for football than Pink. Secondly it’s a ripoff of Joan Jett’s “I Hate My Self for Loving You”. Finally, Pink is not Joan Jett. And is she pregnant in the video part of the intro? Seriously NBC, Hank Williams Jr. only works 17 days a year. He’s got time. Just ask him. Please.

Best Theme Song:
There isn’t one. What happened to theme songs?

Guilty Pleasure Song:
KT Tunstall - “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” - Eye To The Telescope - Not sure why I feel guilty about it. Maybe because they would play it on WMZQ. Or because I first heard it on American Idol, and that’s not where I want to discover music. But damn this song is catchy.

Re-discoveries:

• Bob Dylan - Nashville Skyline - seems like the only record he actually sings on, and one of his most upbeat
• The Band - The Band - Never truly appreciated this before. Now it’s just amazing. How can a bunch of Canadians (and one Arkansan) capture Americana so well?
• The White Stripes - not sure if this is a “rediscovery” or not, but this year I finally GOT IT.
• Nirvana - MTV Unplugged in New York - An artist on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
• The Blues, 1900-1970 - The whole genre. Leadbelly. Sonny Terry. Brownie McGhee. Big Bill Broonzy. Bukka White. Robert Johnson. Lightnin’ Hopkins. Etc.

Bands to Watch:

• Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea just missed an honorable mention. One too many references to semen…
• The Decemberists - I can’t even begin to explain how high I am on these guys
• Sufjan Stevens - Only 48 states to go…
• Arctic Monkeys - Though I fear these guys might be a flash in the pan…
• Death Cab for Cutie - Though I feel like these guys might be played out…

Bands to stop watching…

• Dave Matthews Band - Sorry Dave. You lost me down on the bay-OOO
• Jack Johnson - Call me when you have an album that has something a little different on it
• Wilco - Ok, I give up. I just don’t get it. I’m over it. Time to move on.
• Jason Mraz - Mr A-Z. Try Mr “The studio killed me”.
• Elvis Costello - Only because I’m mad about Diana Krall.

Cover Songs of the Year:

• Ben Folds - “Such Great Heights” - Closer to the original than Iron & Wine’s, but still different.
• Vyvienne Long - “Seven Nation Army” - Turns out all the song really needs is a chick and a cello.
• Obadiah Parker - “Hey Ya” - So much better than the original. And I LIKE the original.
• Jimmi Jammes - “Sgt Pepper’s Paradise” - Ok, ok, not STRICTLY a cover. But a brilliant mashup.
• DJ BC - “Yoshimi Battles Snoop Dogg” - See above. What do you get when you mix Flaming Lips, Snoop Dogg, and Will Ferrell? Brilliant!

Songs - Honorable Mention:

• Sufjan Stevens - “All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands” - Seven Swans - Oddly beautiful.
• Beck - “Everybody’s Gonna Learn Sometime” - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I can’t figure out for the life of me why I like this song so much.
• The Postal Service - “Such Great Heights” - Give Up - There’s a reason there are two completely different kick-ass covers of this song…
• Fiona Apple - “Extraordinary Machine” - Extraordinary Machine - Where the hell did this come from? Nothing like her previous work.
• Death Cab for Cutie - “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” - Plans - A very, very odd love song. But hauntingly simple.

Songs - Top 5:

• The Rosebuds - “Leaves Do Fall” - Birds Make Good Neighbors - Stuck in my head for weeks.
• White Stripes - “Seven Nation Army” - Elephant - Quick trivia - there’s no bass listed in the liner notes…
• The Be Good Tanyas - “The Littlest Birds” - Blue Horse - Also stuck in my head for weeks.
• The Decemberists - “16 Military Wives”/”Shankhill Butchers” - Picaresque/The Crane Wife - One’s a poppy anti-war song. The other’s a sullen tale about a gang of teenage murderers. I think Colin Meloy may need counseling.
• Gnarls Barkely - “Crazy” - St. Elsewhere - “I remember when I lost my mind, but there was something so pleasant about that craze”. The song perfectly describes my feeling about it. Heard it so much that it makes me want to lose my mind, but in an oddly good way. Does that make me crazy? Possibly.

Best Lyric:
Death Cab for Cutie - “What Sarah Said” - Plans

“Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news”

Disappointing Albums:

• Damien Rice - 9 - Perhaps it was unrealistic to expect the followup O to live up to it. But this really isn’t close.
• Fighting Gravity - Blue Sky & Black - Why do I keep getting excited about their studio stuff?
• Nellie McKay - Pretty Little Head - To be fair, haven’t listened much. Of course, that could be because it’s not very good…
• Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny - Awful. Just awful. So bad it made me not want to see the movie.

Soundtrack of the Year:
Weeds - Music from the Original Series

Albums - Honorable Mention:

• Tom Petty - Highway Companion
• Built to Spill - You in Reverse
• Sufjan Stevens - Illinois/Greetings From Michigan: The Great Lake State
• White Stripes - Elephant
• The Kleptones - 24 Hours

Albums - Top 5

	#5 - Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not - It’s loud. It’s rough. It’s dirty. It’s noisy. But try to listen to “You Look Good on the Dance Floor” without moving. I dare you. It’s like sneezing with your eyes open. Can’t be done.
	#4 - Bob Dylan - Modern Times - He’s back. And he’s not afraid to cross genres. Rockabilly, blues, and jazz are all well-represented. Bonus points for a song about a levee…
	#3 - Bruce Springsteen - We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions - I just wish I could have been there when it was being recorded.
	#2 - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans - I seem to be in the minority of people who like this better than Transatlanticism, but really this is in the Rush of Blood to the Head mold to me. More hooks than a tackle box. Lyrics with depth. And not one song I want to skip.
	#1 - The Decemberists - Picaresque- Put The Smiths, REM, Ben Folds, Coldplay, and They Might Be Giants on a pirate ship full of odd instruments, along with Charles Dickens and Herman Melville. Stir to combine. How many albums contain songs about youth soccer, male prostitutes, a medieval ghost selling wares from a pushcart to buy things for his dead wife, praising a young princess, group suicide, and international espionage? Oh, and throw in a sea shanty about revenge in the belly of a whale. This albums should be an absolute mess. But somehow it works. Perfectly. It’s simply 53 minutes of genius.